


this pain would be for evermore

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, I hope, Mentions of addiction, Mentions of past injury, and I think I've covered all my basis..., brief mentions of miscarriage, focus on alcoholism, past reference to a car accident, trigger tags are as follows (this is bad things happen bingo after all), very very brief mention of a minor character being involved in domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Bad Things Happen Bingo: Addiction/Withdrawl.Chimney has hit rock bottom. He comes home to an empty house, he's lost his job, he's lost his best friend and there's only person in the world who understands remotely what he's feeling right then. He's drowning and he can feel Bobby's hand holding tightly onto his own, promising him that it's not too late, even if it feels as though it's the end.
Relationships: Howie "Chimney" Han & Bobby Nash, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937749
Comments: 15
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

It starts out innocently enough, or at least that’s what he tells himself. A shot of whiskey after Maddie and the kids have gone to bed, just to help him sleep, to help calm the voice in his head that hasn’t shut up. Only a shot turned into a bottle and a bottle soon turned into two and—well, he supposes that’s how he hit rock bottom.

He tries to tell himself that it’s not a problem, he can stop at any time, he doesn’t _need_ anything other than the woman he loves and his two daughters to get him through the day. But it feels as though every single time he tries to stop, something else happens and he’s right back where he started. He doesn’t really feel as though it’s a problem until he’s looking into the devastated face of his wife as she begs him to get him help and even then, it’s easy to tell him that it’s a problem that can be fixed easily. When he’s ready. Which he isn’t, not yet.

Maddie is begging him, Bobby puts him on ‘personal’ leave, Hen looks as though she wants to slap him every single time she lays eyes on him, he hasn’t seen Eddie since he walked out of the station and Buck won’t even look at him since he’d screamed at him that he had let him down. And his little Amelia and Penelope… Maddie won’t leave him alone with them, as though she doesn’t trust him. And that should be more than enough to get him to take the leaflet from Bobby’s shaking hands and check himself in somewhere he can get help. It _should_ be but he’s still trying to convince himself that he’s not the one with the problem, everyone else is.

His wife keeps asking him why and it doesn’t matter how many times she asks, he doesn’t have a singular answer for her. It’s everything and it’s nothing. And it started with her accident but saying that out loud makes it seem as though he’s blaming her and it’s not—it’s not that. It’s not even slightly that because _her_ accident was his fault and there’s no getting past that. Maddie could have died two years ago, she could have died and their baby did because of him. He’s heard it a thousand times over that it wasn’t his fault, that just because he was the one driving, there was nothing he could have done differently. Only, he had gotten away with a concussion and Maddie, who was three months pregnant at the time, had lost their baby and had been rushed to emergency surgery.

Her heart had stopped twice and it had taken months for her to recover. And after forty-eight hours, he was _fine_. Physically, he was absolutely fine, and how was that fair? How was that right? It’s been two years and he can still feel the anger pulsating through his body every single time he thinks about it and he wonders if the irony is lost on his friends and family when they know all of his started with a drunk driver.

“You need to stop punishing yourself.” Bobby’s voice somehow breaks through, a shaking hand holding onto the glass as he sits on the couch in the house he had once shared with his wife and children. A house that had once been filled with happiness and laughter and now Amelia was five-years-old and she looked at him the same way her mother did, as though she didn’t know who her daddy was anymore and his three-year-old cries when he tries to hold her. Maddie had left three days ago, just packed their bags and left without a word. Nothing more than a note that told him that she couldn’t watch the man she loved kill himself anymore. That she couldn’t let their children watch him to do this to himself.

It should be enough for him to take what Bobby is offering him and run.

And yet, there he is, staring in front of him at an almost empty bottle and wondering how it all went so wrong. He’s lost everything and somehow it feels as though he still has further to fall. And maybe if it had started and ended with the accident, maybe he’d have been able to move on eventually, maybe he’d have been able to forgive himself at some point, even if it doesn’t seem possible. But life seemed to be a never-ending pit of darkness since then. He’d spent months taking care of Maddie, apologising to her even when she had promised him she didn’t blame him, that there was never anything to blame him for. And then when he finally felt somewhat ready to go back to work, Mr Lee died. And then three months ago, his partner, the one that had replaced Hen over a year ago when she embarked on her new journey, had been arrested for attempted murder of his wife. And suddenly he was right back to where he had been almost seven years before, with Jason Bailey standing in front of him and him being fooled. He had worked with that man for over a year, had introduced him to Maddie and he had no clue what he was capable of behind closed doors. Pathetic, stupid… how his wife had even managed to stick by his side for so long is beyond him.

Bobby’s hand is on top of his own, squeezing gently and Chimney somehow brings himself to look at him, seeing the desperate tears in the other man’s eyes as he does. He’s probably the only person he knows that understands exactly how he’s feeling, it’s probably the only reason Bobby hasn’t left yet. Hen still tried, of course she did but she couldn’t understand (thankfully) and a wall had been built between them that he didn’t think could ever be knocked down again. She wasn’t coming back to him as his best friend anymore, just as Maddie and the girls weren’t coming back. He was alone. He was finally alone and that was everything he had thought he deserved and not at all what he wanted. “You need help and I’m not leaving until you accept that.”

“Maddie left.” There’s a bitterness to his voice when he finally speaks, bringing the glass to his lips after he pulls his hand from his Captain’s, but somehow the liquid doesn’t taste as soothing as it used to. Nothing has really felt the same since he walked into the house and found it empty. He shouldn’t feel bitter, he supposes, he’d been waiting for the day she saw him for what he was. She had begged and begged him for months, told him they would be able to afford the best rehab with the best help for him so he could be the dad their kids deserved again, so he could be her husband again.

Bobby takes a breath, and there’s silence for a few moments until he nods his head, “Maddie had to do what was best for the girls. Those two gorgeous girls who love their daddy more than anything and don’t want to see him destroy himself. Maddie leaving… doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore, Chimney because trust me, I’ve seen her and that woman loves you so, so much but until you get help, she’s not coming back.”

“So, that’s it? It’s over until I do what she wants?”

“It’s over because you’re giving up on yourself and your wife misses you and she loves you… we all do. You deserve better than this. You did not go through everything—you did not almost die twice to end up drowning your sorrows in a bottle every single day. You deserve better than this.” Each word is laced with immense sadness and anger, even Chimney can hear that, watching as the leaflet is pushed towards him once more before Bobby slams a finger down on it several times, “Your wife gave me this, said it was the best one she could find and she would pay anything to get her husband back. She hasn’t given up on you… there’s only one person here who has.”

For the first time since the other man had let himself into the house, presumably with Maddie’s key, he leans forward to let the glass drop onto the coffee table, biting down on his lip before he takes the leaflet full of smiling faces. “I just don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Maybe it’s time for you to find out.”

He gulps down the lump in his throat, tears falling down his face when he nods his head, “D-do you think she’ll ever forgive me? Do you think… Penny probably won’t ever remember but… ‘Melly, do you think she will?”

“I’d like to think that… Marcy, Brook and Robert would have forgiven me if they had ever gotten the chance. There’s always room for second chances, Chim… you just have to give yourself one.” His fingers curl around the gloss paper, staring at the words ‘rehabilitation centre’, unable to believe he’d ever become this person when all he had ever wanted to do was help others. He can’t remember the last time he’d given care.

“It’s not too late?” Chimney whimpers, eyes flicking to the almost empty bottle for just a second until Bobby stands up and holds out a hand for him which he takes instead.

“It’s never too late.”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s hard to hide the surprise on his face when he gets out of the car and sees Maddie leaning against her own. He probably shouldn’t be surprised to see his wife outside of the rehab centre he’s about to check into but he doesn’t feel at all worthy of her or the way she’s looking at him right now.

She looks exhausted, dark circles beneath her red-rimmed eyes and her face void of make-up. Her hair, always spectacularly done, thrown back in a loose braid thrown over her shoulder. It doesn’t matter, she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world to him and still, after seven years, he can’t believe he got so lucky. He can’t believe that he’s thrown it all away, that he’s thrown _her_ away, even if she’s still standing there in front of him, he knows he can’t expect her to be standing there on the other side of this. Not after everything.

Chimney doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t really know what to say but he hovers awkwardly next to Bobby’s car after climbing out, gulping down the lump in his throat. He’s been sober for twelve-hours and he’s sure that’s probably been the longest time he’s gone without a drink in at least the six months since Bobby put him on personal leave. Maddie deserves better, the girls deserve better… hell, maybe even _he_ deserves better because this wasn’t the journey he was meant to take. He can remember relying on alcohol a little too much at sixteen, right up until the age of nineteen but the Lees had pulled him out of the darkness and he’d focused on being a good older brother to Kevin instead, he’d tried to find new outlets, tried to better himself, tried to do better…

And then suddenly he was forty-six and his wife had almost died, his unborn child hadn’t made it through a horrific car accident that had also killed the drunk driver in the other car. He had made it out relatively unscathed, the unfairness of it all still crushing him two years after the fact. He had spent months relying on the bitter taste of alcohol in the hours after Maddie had gone to bed after listening to her whimper in pain for most of the day through physical therapy and then actual therapy and—there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. And then everything snowballed and there he was. Forty-nine-years-old in a few weeks and standing outside a rehab facility when he had every reason to live and to be sober.

He’s thankful that Maddie is the one to break the silence as she steps towards him and he hates himself for the way she looks nervous, her entire body shaking before she takes a breath and seems to force a smile onto her face as though he can’t see right through it. “Thank you… for doing this.” Her eyes are searching for his as though she’s hoping to find a remnant of the person he used to be and even he’s not sure if there is anything left anymore. The man who had said those vows to her wouldn’t have ever wanted to hurt her.

Chimney takes the various pieces of paper and card from her hands when she holds it out to him, a tear-filled smile on his face when he stares down at the ‘love you, daddy’ card, handwritten with a drawing of him on the cover. “I told them that daddy has to go away for a while, to get better and they asked me to give you that. I also wrote a letter for you, you don’t have to read it now or anytime soon, it’s for when you’re ready to read it. It’s just a reminder of how much I love you if you ever want or need to hear it…” He doesn’t feel as though he deserves to read it but he nods his head anyway, wondering how she could still love him after everything he had put her through.

He hasn’t said anything, not yet, and he knows she’s rambling to fill the silence but he can’t blame her, she’s nervous and despite everything, despite every single time he’s tried to push her away… she still loves him. He can see it in her eyes, in the way she’s crying for him and in the way her hands are shaking as she gently grazes her fingers along his hand, lingering over his wedding ring. Chimney can’t help but look towards her left hand, hating himself for the relief that rushes through him when he sees the wedding ring still firmly on her finger as though, even though she walked out a few days before, she hasn’t given up on him or on them. “There’s photographs, too, Bobby said they’ll let you keep them—and um… me and the girls, we uh…” She rifles through the items he’s holding tightly in his hand until she pulls out a photograph, one that was taken not long after Penny was born. He’s holding her, Maddie sits next to him with Amelia on her lap and they’re all smiling at the camera. He can remember Buck taking the photograph whilst they were at Hen’s birthday party a few years ago before things got all too rough.

He watches as she turns it around, trembling fingers moving over the words written on the back of the photograph as she bites down on her lip, “We could only fit ten on but it’s reasons to get better—but uh… just a reminder. And we’ll wait, however long it takes, we’ll always wait for you because I know you still love us and I know you still want to be a family and I hope you know that’s what I want, too. Please don’t ever think for just a second that me walking out the other day was me turning my back on you… I just I hoped it would make you fight because nothing else was working. I love you. We love you.”

“Why?” There are a thousand things he wants to say to her but the nausea is all too much and whilst she’s shaking from nerves, his body is coping with the sudden withdrawal of something he’s relied on for a long time. His head is spinning, the pain pulsating in a way that makes it hard to keep his eyes open and focused on her in the way she deserves. All he can do is hope that one day, he has a chance to tell her everything.

If she’s at all offended, she doesn’t show it, stepping so close to him that the gap between them is barely there, her left hand moving over his chest as her other hand gently grazes along his cheek. “There are a million reasons why, Howie. You—the difference between me and you and what happened two years ago was the fact I asked for help and you never did. And we never noticed that you were struggling because obviously we were focused on my recovery at the time and I wish we had spoken about how you were feeling back then and not just me.” She’s crying and it hurts every part of his being, causing an ache in his chest he just can’t shake because her crying because of him is never something he wants. “I don’t agree with your coping mechanism and I wish you had reached out sooner, I wish that I had noticed sooner and I wish that… things could have been different. I wish that… I wish that I didn’t feel as though me and the girls weren’t enough to pull you out of the darkness but… I’m glad you’re getting help. And the reasons don’t matter as long as you’re here because you want to be here. As long as you know that I love you. Amelia and Penny love you. We all love you and we need you and we haven’t given up on you.”

All he can do is hope that one day he feels at all worthy of everything she is saying and the fact that she hasn’t turned her back on him completely. It doesn’t feel real or right at the moment but he can hope that one day… he’ll feel enough for them again. That Amelia and Penny will look at him as though he is everything good in the world as they once did and that Maddie will be able to have a conversation with him without any tears or shouting or that look in her eyes that makes him feel as though he’s let her down so immensely in a way that can never be rectified.

Chimney takes a breath, daring himself to reach out for her, brushing his hand along her cheekbone, and then gently cupping her chin as he looks at her, _really_ looks at her for what seems like the first time in so long. There’s no hatred in her eyes (even if he thinks there should be), just immense sadness that he knows he’s responsible for. “You’ll go back home? You’ll—be there when I get—” He looks behind him at the building he knows he has to walk into and may not come out of for at least a month.

“We’ll be waiting. We’ve always been waiting…”

He has a million questions for her, all revolving around why she would ever think him worthy of such love and patience and… kindness but all he can do is nod his head. Knowing that when his head feels as heavy as it does right then and when it’s a struggle to even stay standing, it’s not the time or the place. He has time, he has to believe that—he has time to ask her, he has time to explain to her why everything got so out of control, he has _time._

“I’ll fight.”

“Do you promise? Because I’m tired of fighting for us and for you, Howie but if I know you’re fighting right along with me…” Even as she’s talking, he can see just how exhausted she is and he can hear it in her voice. She’d been begging him for so long to get help, he can still remember the horrific argument they’d had when he’d come home to her pouring out every single bottle of alcohol they had in the house, including her own wine. He can still remember the look in her eyes and the way she had thrown an empty bottle across the room when he’d _begged_ her to stop, when he’d insisted he didn’t have a problem and that she was just… making things up. It was all in her head. He was fine.

It’s hard to shake the memory as he leans down ever so slightly to brush their noses together, “I promise.” She takes the brief opportunity to press her lips to his, just for a second, but it’s enough for him to know that there’s still a piece of them to cling onto until Bobby is gently pulling Maddie from him, whispering something in her ear that causes her to nod her head and smile.

“Joy, remember?”

It was once a simple word to him but now… for a while, Maddie couldn’t say those words ‘I love you’ because of everything that had happened before, so ‘joy’ had replaced it. Their children’s names Amelia Joy and Penelope Joy Han, their wedding vows, their wedding rings both engraved with the word that felt heavy in his heart as she grins at him, pressing her hand against her chest before she blows him a kiss, shooting Bobby a quick smile before she walks back to her car.

“Joy.” Chimney whispers, not tearing his eyes from her until her car pulls away and he looks at Bobby instead, “I’m ready to fight this.”

The man, one of his closest friends and his Captain and probably the only person he knows right then who can understand what he’s going through, nods his head, fighting back tears of his own as he gently squeezes Chimney’s shoulder and then moves to grab his bag from the trunk of the car. It’s a second chance but it also feels like his only, and his last chance. He has to fight. He has to do this. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ninety days.

Ninety days of talking about anything and everything he had kept bottled up for years. Ninety days of tears, screaming, wanting to punch things, actually throwing things, ugly sobbing and giving his body some time to adjust.

He hopes that Maddie understands that it’s not a time in his life where he wants her to see him, not yet. Not right now. He loves her, that’s one thing that’s never changed even if sometimes he might not have acted like it, even if he knows he’s hurt her beyond anything he thinks can ever be healed. It’s just ninety days and it feels like far too long but at the same time, it’s gone in the blink of an eye and he’s reminded that the safety of the people that surround him and the four walls won’t be there forever.

Chimney doesn’t read Maddie’s letter until the night before Bobby is due to pick him up. The one and only person he’d allowed to come and visit him, fleetingly. It was a bond he never wanted to share with the other man, not really, the undeniable bond of addiction that they would both be struggling with for the rest of their lives. The guilt is still there, it probably always will be but he’s starting to see that sometimes… things are just out of his control and whilst it’s a path he never thought he’d take, somehow, he feels even stronger for it.

Bobby promises him that Maddie asks about him, that she’s waiting for him and that she still loves him. He’s promised that there’s a roof over his head when he leaves rehab no matter what he chooses because everyone understands that he might not be ready to go home. And really, at one point, he had found himself wondering if he would ever feel ready because the past few months especially had been difficult, to say the least. He hadn’t felt as though he was the best husband or father he had always promised himself he would be.

The words written on three pieces of tear-stained paper solidifies the idea in his mind that there is only one place he belongs. And it’s not under Bobby and Athena’s roof, it’s not in a hotel room, or at Hen and Karen’s house… it’s not at any one of the countless options he’d listed for himself. He needs to be home. He doesn’t sleep that night, going over the letter over and over again, partly wishing he had made the decision to open it before but also content that he’d left it until he was in the best state of mind he had been in a long while. He can actually appreciate every single word and not question each one. Maddie still loves him, there’s a reminder in there that they had stood by each other through everything, that they had been through too much together to let anything get in the way.

He tucks the pages safely away and slips his wedding ring on just as he says goodbye to the room that had been home for the past three months. Three months sober, he clutches at the green chip in his hand as he takes a breath. There was a time, not too long ago, when he hadn’t thought he would make it this far. Really, there was a time when he’d thought he’d be better off dead, when he’d honestly believed that it would better for Maddie, Amelia and Penny. Because surely the memory of the father and husband he had once been would be easier for them to remember than the ghost of the man he felt he had become?

Somehow, somewhere along the way that stopped feeling like a viable option. He can actually see a light on the other side, he knows because he’s seen Bobby do it for years now, that life sober is entirely possible. That having a _good_ life sober is more than possible.

It’s been three months and he’s leaving with a new diagnosis of PTSD and anxiety, a new understanding of himself and what he needs to do to make sure he doesn’t get back to the place he had been before and a promise to himself that he’ll try to be as kind to himself as he is to other people.

“Are you ready for this?” Bobby is there, just as he had been through all of this, with no judgement and a smile on his face, his hand on his shoulder.

Slowly, he nods his head, more than ready to put the place behind him and actually start living his life again even if it’s the most terrifying thing he has to do. There’s control here, there’s no unlimited access to alcohol, there’s no external pressure, there’s no expectations or stress of a job or a marriage or being the best father and friend and husband. It’s a little bubble he knows he has to break out of but it’s still one of the biggest steps he will ever take. “As I’ll ever be.” He finally says, throwing his bag over his shoulder before the fresh air hits his face just a few seconds later, Bobby not too far behind him.

“Have you decided where I’m taking you?”

“Home. I’m going home.”

Bobby tries to hide his elation at the words but his eyes betray him, sparkling with unshed tears and his cheeks gaining a little more colour when he tries to suppress the smile that he so clearly wants to express right then. He had never pushed, he had never told him what was best for him or what he should or should not do, but Chimney knew that his best friend wanted nothing more than for him to be back home with his family.

It takes another hour before they pull up outside the house that he and Maddie had so lovingly chosen to bring their kids up in just five years before. And by lovingly, he means that it was the first house they’d seen and it was ten minutes from the station and fifteen from dispatch, the school in the area was good and it had a yard… Maddie was pregnant and they were both tired so it ticked all the boxes. A lot had happened since, but it still looked the same as it always had with far too many toys in the front yard and a bit of the porch roof was still falling off because he’d promised he would fix it almost a year ago after a huge storm (he moves that to the top of his list to do before he goes back to work).

“Do you want me to come in with you? We can drive around the block again? Whatever you need…” He hadn’t realised he’d just been sitting there in silence, staring at the house until Bobby talks again and he finds himself looking at him. There aren’t any words to tell the other man how much he appreciates everything he has done. From the phone calls, to the words of advice, to the passing messages between he and Maddie when he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her or to see her and then to the travelling the hour every few weeks to see him in person and bring him drawings from the girls, food from Maddie and funny gifts from Hen and Karen.

“I-I can do this, I have to do this.” The words come out but his legs still haven’t moved, he just needs to find two seconds of courage to get out of Bobby’s car and walk up the steps to their door where his three favourite girls are waiting for him.

“We can wait as long as you need.”

Twenty minutes is what he needs, so it turns out, just sitting there in silence, seeing the curtains twitching every so often which means they know he’s sitting outside and they’re being patient. God, what did he ever do to deserve them? Any of them?

Chimney doesn’t say anything before he’s climbing out of the car, only giving Bobby a smile when he moves to grab his bag from the trunk. “You know where I am.” The Captain says, “And I expect to see you in work when you’re ready.”

“Yes, Captain.” He lightly teases, smirking at him before he shakes his hand, something that quickly turns into a hug instead, Bobby’s arms moving to wrap tightly around him as he does the same in return. A million thank you’s would never be enough, even if he wishes it could be but if he has to spend the rest of their lives showing gratitude to the other man, then he’s more than happy to do so.

“Go be with your girls. I’ll pick you up for a meeting tomorrow but if you need me before then—”

“I know. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Fifteen steps, that’s how many there are between the car and the front door, taking a deep breath before he pushes it open, every ounce of fear suddenly disappearing when he sees the home-made banner saying ‘welcome home daddy’, and the balloons and most importantly his two daughters, being held by the woman who still manages to take his breath away.

Amelia is the first to reach him when Maddie settles her writhing body down on the floor, all too eager to rush over him and pounce on him, easily followed by Penny before the door is even shut and he lets his bag fall to the ground. “Daddy! We missed you!”

“Daddy’s home!”

Wet kisses press to his cheeks from both sides and the laughter that falls from his lips feels like the most natural thing in the world to him, even if the sound seems all too foreign. He’s clutching onto both of them, one on either side of his body before Maddie moves to stand in front of him, the smile on her face entirely nervous as her eyes shine with tears that fall the second he leans forward to press his forehead against hers.

“You’re home.” Her voice is barely a whisper, her eyes searching his as their noses brush together, much as they had done when she was saying goodbye to him three months ago. But this time, it’s him that moves his lips to hers, just briefly, whilst he holds the two little girls tightly.

“I’m home.”


End file.
